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Sunday, April 14, 2024

What Dying Taught Me About Dwelling

I lately remodeled my most private tales right into a TEDx speak titled: “What Dying Taught Me About Dwelling.”

I delivered this speak reside on the TEDx MCPHS reside occasion on March 18th, 2023, on the Massachusetts School of Pharmacy and Well being Sciences within the metropolis of Boston.

The occasion was themed “What’s Your Story” and featured different inspiring leaders: Jimi Okubanjo and Yolanda Lewis.

You possibly can watch my TEDx speak on YouTube, however I made a decision to additionally share my TEDx script with you!

TEDx Speak Transcript – Elayna Fernández: What Dying Taught Me About Dwelling

“Have you ever ever heard the saying that one particular person’s trash is one other particular person’s treasure? That phrase can sum up one of the best moments of my childhood within the Dominican Republic. 

And my favourite one occurred once I was 7 years previous.

My brother and I had simply come again from fetching our each day water and we determined to take a break and go to the dump.

You see, there was a landfill proper behind the little beat-up shack within the slum we known as dwelling – and it was wonderful!

Sure, there was a foul stench, the bottom felt mushy, and the flies… ugh… they have been in all places. 

However, this was the magical place the place we’d discover little objects and artifacts we may play with and be children! It was a candy escape.

As we searched and dug and in contrast our fascinating finds, I observed one thing uncommon.

It was an previous, soggy, smelly journal with phrases we couldn’t perceive. I eagerly flipped by way of the pages and was fascinated by the brilliant photos.

The youngsters wore denims and tennis footwear. That they had new books and toys… and their households… appeared so joyful!

I savored each scene. 

So I turned to my brother, and requested the query that will change my life endlessly:  ¡¿Y si pudiéramos aprender este idioma?! 

“What if we may be taught this language?” I figured, if we knew English, we may have this excellent life!

As unreasonable as this appeared, in simply 4 years… I did it! I discovered methods to earn cash to pay for courses, then I attended each day for 3 years, and, as singer Celia Cruz used to say, my English grew to become “very handsome.”

Due to my new language, I used to be in a position to transfer out of the slum and into town to attend faculty at solely 15 years previous and even qualify for a high-paying job. I had left the darkness and dysfunction behind to get pleasure from a brand new life the place my journal goals have been all coming true!

However sooner or later… every little thing modified.

I boarded what I believed was public transportation and, as a substitute of arriving at college, I used to be taken to an unknown vacation spot… trapped in a automotive the place I skilled hours of unspeakable violence and torture. 

I used to be solely 19 and this unmerciful stranger promised me I wouldn’t make it out alive.

Spoiler alert: 

I escaped. 

I believe you noticed that coming… however what you’ll by no means guess is how a lot I wanted I hadn’t survived. 

It was the start of a nightmare.

I hated each inch of my physique.

I used to be pressured to speak about it in courtroom, to one way or the other show that I didn’t ask for it.

And what’s worse, as a substitute of seeing my ache, everybody I knew simply centered on attempting to inspire me.

However, as a substitute of wanting to maneuver on or feeling grateful… 

I felt unseen, unsafe, and unsupported. Unloved.

I needed to die…

And simply 6 months after being kidnapped, I obtained my want.  

The automotive crashed and flipped, and I went from using within the backseat to being trapped beneath it.

As if in sluggish movement, I appeared down at my lifeless physique being rushed to the closest hospital. Within the E.R., I may see my brother weeping and begging because the medical workers broke the information to him: 

“There’s nothing we are able to do for her…” 

My physique was lifeless, however my thoughts was extra alert, and my spirit extra alive than ever… 

My brother was relentless, so the docs turned their consideration to me. They placed on an oxygen masks, tried electrical cardioversion, and inserted a chest tube.

It appeared painful… however I didn’t really feel it. 

I used to be truly experiencing freedom, peace, and unconditional love. Sure, Heaven.  

I needed to really feel like this endlessly! 

However I heard a message that it wasn’t my time but, and as I got here again to my physique, all my senses have been flooded with ache.

Throughout my 8-day-coma, I discovered one other treasure in an sudden place – one other language that modified my life…

And I consider it may change yours, too.

I used to be in a position to course of my traumatic childhood recollections, my intrusive ideas, and my painful feelings.

As an observer, a witness, I may hear the ache within the phrases individuals stated at my bedside. I may see the ache of their our bodies. I may sense it of their souls… The extra they broke down and fell aside for me, the extra I felt seen, secure, and supported… beloved.

And my greatest revelation was this: it’s not motivation, however validation that helps us transfer by way of emotional ache.

We should select to be nonetheless and go deep to be taught the language that validates ache. Like sifting by way of trash to seek out treasure.

Beginning pains, rising pains, dying pains… Ache is the widespread thread of humanity.

And, sadly, due to the archaic languages of stigma, disgrace, and stereotypes, we have now been conditioned to disclaim, downplay, and dismiss our ache. 

We regularly masks it with practices like optimistic considering, invalidating gratitude, or discovering an on the spot silver lining, when in actuality, these fast fixes have harmful results.

Unacknowledged, unprocessed, unexpressed emotional ache manifests in our our bodies as illness, in our minds as dysfunction, and in our spirits as disconnection. 

A flatlined existence. 

After over 25 years of researching and spending tons of of hundreds of hours and {dollars} finding out the neuroscience of feelings, optimistic psychology, and trauma therapeutic modalities, I found one thing fascinating: Science, philosophy, and spirituality all confirmed what I discovered in my coma. 

And the analysis is obvious: 

Processing our emotional ache requires validating it- and these expertise are discovered by way of follow.

And my thought is that we should set a each day date to take a seat with our painful recollections, ideas, and feelings. Like in studying a brand new language, immersion is one of the best path to fluency. It’s uncomfortable at first… and it’s a lifelong journey. However it opens doorways we didn’t assume have been potential for us. 

Having a date with ache could sound as dreadful to you as dumpster diving. However I do know that it’s rather a lot simpler to rummage by way of trash once we turn out to be curious and concentrate on what we are going to discover.

Once we date – and validate – our ache, ache can turn out to be our sacred trainer, devoted messenger, and smart buddy.

Relationship my ache helps me survive all of the heavy darkish moments when life feels insufferable… as a result of just some seconds of validation may also help us come again to wholeness.

As we date our ache, we begin to remodel it and we cease transmitting it. We will turn out to be more healthy in each means,  and extra peaceable at dwelling, at work, and on this planet. 

And you might assume, properly, one other factor so as to add to my to-do listing. Nope!

Neuroanatomist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor teaches the “90-second rule,” or the idea that any emotional response will final solely 90 seconds… simply 90 seconds.

If the mothers I attain by way of my weblog and neighborhood can match this in, so are you able to!

Plus, it’s free. The most effective issues in life are!

So now you could be asking, Elayna, what does courting my ache even appear to be?

My morning follow contains 3 easy steps: See, Sense, and Say.

First, SEE:

You get nonetheless and recall one painful, disturbing, or uncomfortable reminiscence, thought, or expertise. 

Second, SENSE:

You go into your physique to note each sensation that comes up. Is it tingly, tense, tight?

Third, SAY:

You tackle your self by identify, out loud or in writing, and validate your ache. That is finished by permitting and acknowledging your ache.

Validating language appears like this:

  • Elayna, It’s okay to really feel what you feel.
  • Elayna, Your feelings, and reactions make sense.
  • Elayna, I’m right here for you.

See, sense, say. That’s what you do in your date with ache.

My invitation is to put aside 2 minutes of your morning OR evening thus far your ache. 90 seconds of ache and 30 seconds of validation.

As you have interaction on this follow, you’ll be taught the native language of your feelings and really feel seen, secure, and supported… self-love.

You’ll be capable to share your genuine feelings with vulnerability and be a secure place for others to do the identical.

Once I determined to get up from my coma, I selected to actually get up to ache, however I additionally woke as much as love.

With 19 damaged bones, it harm to maneuver, it harm to breathe, it harm to really feel…and the grueling restoration course of was simply starting. And the trauma I had endured in my brief 19 years was nonetheless actual.

However I needed to reside!

I noticed I didn’t have to be healed to really feel WHOLE. All I wanted was to really feel seen, secure and supported. That’s what all of us want and deserve. 

So at this time, ask your self … What in the event you may be taught this language? 

Date your ache, and uncover a real treasure.


So right here’s what dying taught me about residing:

Once we don’t know tips on how to validate others, our phrases and actions turn out to be hurtful, slightly than useful. Not figuring out tips on how to validate ourselves results in unhealthy and self-destructive decisions and patterns that perpetuate the cycle of struggling.

Are you prepared thus far your ache? Share within the feedback beneath.

Elayna is a homeschool educator, single mother of 4, founding father of the Optimistic MOM Neighborhood, award-winning Storyteller, Story Strategist, and Scholar of Ache. She’s a bestselling creator, internationally acclaimed keynote speaker, and 3x TEDx speaker. To obtain a present from Elayna, click on HERE.

Be Positive and You Will Be Powerful ~ Elayna FernandBe Positive and You Will Be Powerful ~ Elayna Fernandez ~ The Positive MOMez ~ The Positive MOMBe Positive and You Will Be Powerful ~ Elayna FernandBe Positive and You Will Be Powerful ~ Elayna Fernandez ~ The Positive MOMez ~ The Positive MOM
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The mission of the Optimistic MOM weblog is to assist mothers break trauma cycles, discover peace, and really feel emotionally complete, to allow them to follow supportive parenting and create a optimistic and wholesome surroundings for his or her kids. Should you discovered Elayna’s content material precious, please think about donating a love providing to allow her to maintain creating content material and serving to extra mothers worldwide. Donate HERE.

Eddie Elish
Eddie Elishhttps://gfbrides.com
Welcome to Gf Brides.com, where love stories are celebrated, cherished, and shared. Who Am I? My name is Eddie Elish, a devoted author with an unwavering passion for all things related to weddings. Over the years, I've become an authority in the wedding industry, and through my seminal work, gfbrides, I've helped countless couples navigate the exciting journey toward their big day with ease and joy. What I Do With a sharp eye for detail and an empathetic heart, I've positioned myself as a guide for lovebirds looking to commence their lifelong journey together. At Eddie Elish, my mission is singular: to provide couples with the knowledge, inspiration, and advice they need to create a truly memorable wedding experience. From the whimsy of selecting the perfect venue to the practicalities of guest list management, no query is too small, no challenge too great. My advice spans the gamut of wedding preparation — whether it's about current trends, etiquette, budgeting, or even personal styling, I bring a wealth of experience and a personal touch to the table. Why Choose Eddie Elish? Weddings are a symphony of orchestrated moments, and every couple deserves a maestro. That's where I come in. Experience: My years of experience in the wedding industry have honed my instincts and insights, enabling me to provide tailored advice that aligns with each couple's unique vision. Passionate Advice: I am not just an author; I am an enthusiast of love's unlimited potential. I believe in creating experiences that reflect the couple's personality and the love they share. Comprehensive Support: From the first steps of planning to the final moments of your special day, I am on hand to ensure every facet of your wedding is handled with grace and care. Accessibility: Based in the United States, I am easily reachable and committed to assisting couples nationwide, ensuring no question goes unanswered. At Eddie Elish, I seek to make the path to matrimony as blissful as the vows you exchange. With an open heart and an open ear, I am ready to guide, support, and inspire you as you embark on one of life's most beautiful adventures. Here's to the start of something extraordinary. Your dream wedding awaits, and together, we'll make it a reality. Let's bring your love story to life, Eddie Elish

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